Congratulations! You have successfully raised a normal child. Normal teenage daughters do not want to be around their parents.
Children are programmed to slowly become ready to move out of the house and become independent adults. Your daughter is right on track to move out when she is 18 or 19 years old.
One of the stages of independence is to stop listening to parental advice. They will have to make 95% of their own decisions once they have moved out. So they have to start letting go of parental advice long before that time. They help themselves let go by persuading themselves that their parents’ advice is stupid, and their parents are embarrassing.
This was less of an issue 100 years ago when preteens were enrolled in apprentice programs for their careers. My great grandfather in Virginia moved out of his parents’ house, and moved into the barn of the harness maker down the road, when he was 11 years old. So no need for him to avoid his parents, be rude to them, and think they were stupid. He was already an independent wage earner, learning a trade. In modern times, we have delayed adulthood, prolonged dependence on parents, such that teens have a difficult time declaring independence and moving out of the house. The first record of a teen culture was in the 1920s, shortly after states enacted compulsory education laws.
Teens use their friends as a stepping stone away from their parents. They follow their friends’ advice assiduously. Don’t make the mistake, as I did, of trying to be cool. Your teens need their parents to remain the same, solid and immovable, so they can rebel against them. Don’t try to smoke weed with them, don’t try to learn the names of their favorite bands, don’t try to use their lingo. They need you to be of a different generation, and for you to be solidly happy with your unfashionable choices.
Disciplining teens is mostly just saying what you disapprove of, and ignoring the irritation and door slamming. They will get you ready to let go of them. You will breathe a sigh of relief when they move out.
Yes, parents feel rejected, sad and lonely when their teens reject them. But that is not their job, to keep us company and be our friends. Their job is to grow up and move out. We have to have our own friends our own age.
Your adult children will want to reestablish stronger ties with you from age 28 years old on. From now until then, you get a break!
Children are programmed to slowly become ready to move out of the house and become independent adults. Your daughter is right on track to move out when she is 18 or 19 years old.
One of the stages of independence is to stop listening to parental advice. They will have to make 95% of their own decisions once they have moved out. So they have to start letting go of parental advice long before that time. They help themselves let go by persuading themselves that their parents’ advice is stupid, and their parents are embarrassing.
This was less of an issue 100 years ago when preteens were enrolled in apprentice programs for their careers. My great grandfather in Virginia moved out of his parents’ house, and moved into the barn of the harness maker down the road, when he was 11 years old. So no need for him to avoid his parents, be rude to them, and think they were stupid. He was already an independent wage earner, learning a trade. In modern times, we have delayed adulthood, prolonged dependence on parents, such that teens have a difficult time declaring independence and moving out of the house. The first record of a teen culture was in the 1920s, shortly after states enacted compulsory education laws.
Teens use their friends as a stepping stone away from their parents. They follow their friends’ advice assiduously. Don’t make the mistake, as I did, of trying to be cool. Your teens need their parents to remain the same, solid and immovable, so they can rebel against them. Don’t try to smoke weed with them, don’t try to learn the names of their favorite bands, don’t try to use their lingo. They need you to be of a different generation, and for you to be solidly happy with your unfashionable choices.
Disciplining teens is mostly just saying what you disapprove of, and ignoring the irritation and door slamming. They will get you ready to let go of them. You will breathe a sigh of relief when they move out.
Yes, parents feel rejected, sad and lonely when their teens reject them. But that is not their job, to keep us company and be our friends. Their job is to grow up and move out. We have to have our own friends our own age.
Your adult children will want to reestablish stronger ties with you from age 28 years old on. From now until then, you get a break!
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